Friday Conversations: Hoodie Melo, meet Banana Boat Melo

Hoodie Melo: Banana Boat Melo, is that you? I haven’t seen you in forever.

Banana Boat Melo: Yeah, the sun must have been in your eyes. I was on vacation, of course.

Hoodie Melo: How could the sun have been in my eyes? You were back on the beach, you weren’t even on the boat.

Banana Boat Melo: What happened to you, Hoodie Melo? You used to be so young and carefree, like, well, me. Then you got booed out of New York, Oklahoma City wasn’t right for you, and now you’re only getting a $2.4 million contract?

Hoodie Melo: You forgot the approximately $25.5 kajillion dollars I’m getting from the Hawks.

Banana Boat Melo: They’re paying you NOT to play in Atlanta, Hoodie Melo, haven’t you heard? I guess not, the hood must be making your hearing a bit difficult.

Hoodie Melo: So how much did it take Gabrielle, LeBron, Chris, and D-Wade to pay you to not be on the banana boat?

Banana Boat Melo: Touché.

Awkward pause.

Hoodie Melo: What happened to us, Banana Boat Melo? We’re not looking so good right now.

Banana Boat Melo: I’m worried we don’t even look that good in hindsight. Remember when New York traded for us? They only gave up Wilson Chandler, Danillo Gallinari, Raymond Felton, and Timofey Mozgov to get us.

Hoodie Melo: Wow, you got traded for a guy whose contract is considered among the worst in the NBA by everyone except Mitch Kupchak.

Banana Boat Melo: And how is Raymond doing? Only shot .005 from three worse than you last year in Oklahoma City, last I saw.

Hoodie Melo: Hey, .357 was my sixth-best shooting year from three.

Banana Boat: And it was Raymond’s fifth-best. Good thing you won’t have to shoot threes for Houston. I’m sure they’ll be glad to give Ryan Anderson serious minutes again, and replace P.J. Tucker and Trevor Ariza with your modern, high-efficiency game.

Hoodie Melo: What do you know? You couldn’t even score a spot on that boat, anyways.

Banana Boat Melo: What are the chances my good friend Chris will like it when you jack up 25 shots against the Warriors in the playoffs?

Hoodie Melo: Probably the same chance we get welcomed back to New York with open arms.

Banana Boat Melo: Yeah, that’s a long shot.

Hoodie Melo: Clanks off the rim…

They eye each other.

Simultaneously: F*** OUTTA HERE!